We aren’t actually reporting from the garage for the foreseeable future because it is mostly ice, rain, or cold outside. And we only have one slanket.

While my partner in crime was away for work I took the opportunity to watch Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin. There are some things that I don’t feel even he should have to endure for my company.

I don’t know what came over me because I never watch movies by myself, but I had decided that this was the way. I like found footage horror movies, he knows that they are trash.

Oddly, it was better than most other Paranormal Activity movies because it was more of a conventional horror movie, but like most horror movies, just filled with all the wrong decisions. And that brings the ✨magic✨.

Let’s just get to the part where we trash a few things about this dumpster fire.

The premise is that a young woman raised as an orphan, has found family through online testing and they happen to be Amish of a sort and live in a disappointingly gray world where they frown a lot and eat in silence. I get this. I am also convinced that my real family is out there somewhere, now that I have the adult benefit of seeing that I must surely be an alien foundling. She wants to make a documentary with some friends to capture this riveting story.

First and most obviously, real world me would have yeeted myself out the door at the first opportunity after meeting this house full of near certain cannibal Chainsaw Massacre cultists. After dinner, just nope the eff out with a stolen handmade quilt and the pretense of a walk. These people are going to lock you in a basement and make drums out of your skin. Just run.

Secondly, the haunted Church pit that they throw family into and contains obvious evil cave dwelling things (obviously no one had seen The Cave. They would have known..) is not given the gravitas that it deserves. And what it deserves is to not be stood over and pondered at. It is literally growling. Do they actually deserve to die? Let’s consider that.

There were so many opportunities to leave the farm, I didn’t feel sorry for anyone that had their body parts torn off. Even the mailman told them WHEN THEY COULD HAVE LEFT TOWN FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, that those people are just creepy cult weirdos, and definitely not Amish. You in danger, girl. By all means go back though, leading to the obvious result, which is that you are now a meal.

This all reminds me to watch Midsommar again.

RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ lol