Movies From The Garage

Movies From The Garage – Reign Of Fire

Reign of Fire. Where to begin?! Is this the best post apocalyptic hellscape dragon vs man survival movie ever made? Short answer: yes.

I’m told that when I exited the theater after making my smokeshow of a boyfriend take me to this movie on opening day in 2002, I loudly told the entire parking lot, “That was fucking awesome!” Because of course I did. This is exactly how I handle everything if no one is fast enough to stop me.

We don’t waste any time getting to the action. Young Quinn (Christian Bale) is roaming around his mother’s construction site and runs headlong into a den of sleeping dragons, disturbing and releasing a bunch them of upon the planet. Note to any would-be parents out there, letting your child run around a construction site largely unattended is actually dangerous and possibly world ending, but it was a different time back then.

Look, I’m drunk again, go play in the tunnel.

Cut to years later, in the shit year of 2020 in any timeline. The world is in ruins. Quinn and a group of other survivors are holed up in a castle in the countryside, which is exactly what I would do. Not because stone doesn’t burn easily – also good – but because castles are rad.

Things seem dangerous but somewhat survivable until a bunch of roided out Americans led by Denton Van Zan (Matthew McConaughey) arrive on scene with a crazy plan that I guess has worked before, whereby they yeet themselves out of helicopters at dragons to, I guess, do a stabby flyby at them, but usually just end up getting skewered with something within 17 seconds because obviously this is kind of a stupid idea. And that’s not even how the big dragon male dies in the end. It dies on the ground with an explosive arrow to the mouth because that makes sense and is pretty much dragon killing canon in tone at this point.

Bamburgh Castle. Nice buttressing.

Yeah, yeah, but they killed the other dragon didn’t they? How many men are left in the world that we go about throwing them out of helicopters (and where the hell are we getting all of this equipment?!) to certainly die? Seems a little hasty.

Definitely send those other two.

But die it does, not before Matthew McConaughey in, no arguing here, the best scene of this entire movie, takes a flying shirtless leap from atop the castle swinging a battle axe, whereupon he is immediately swallowed whole by that dragon. It’s really peak McConaughey.

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*FACTS
This is technically a Wyvern not a dragon. Two legs not four. *hairflip*

Movies From The Garage

Movies From The Garage – Dragonslayer

Movies from the 1980s can be especially tough to revisit. You’re sitting there watching this flaming pile of cocaine induced fever dreams and thinking to yourself, “I remember thinking that this was the greatest movie ever made when I was 5 years old (back in the old days, parental guidance, attention, or concern was largely an accident). I was so wrong.” Which brings us to Dragonslayer!

Beginning with one of the most predictable themes in fantasy, the wizard Ulrich chooses to die by violence, and a little magic, because he has foreseen his own death, leaving Galen (Peter MacNichol) as the heir apparent to Ulrich’s powers. Galen is called to kill the dragon that has been killing all the available virgins (why?!) But never fear, Galen will save the virgins by partnering with the next most common theme in 80s movies, the girl disguised as a boy (to avoid the virgin lottery)(male virgins aren’t prized, I suppose.)

I want to hate on this movie, but… it’s just not that bad. The dragon Vermithrax Pejorative is a very ugly badass that Galen really could have killed at any time towards the end, then he gets the girl. And no shade to Peter MacNichol, but he’s not exactly swoon worthy. And fine! He’s a wizard! Not important! (really though it’s kind of important…)

So what’s the worst part of this movie? The acting is decent, the sets are good, the direction isn’t problematic, the dragon is perfect and scary. The answer is… it’s a little slow. That’s all I’ve got. This movie doesn’t suck.

Thoughts:

  • “This dragon kindof looks like it came from Reign of Fire… “Oh that’s because the model designers were the same guy.
  • Shoutout to Dolwyddelan Castle in Wales. I clocked you in about three seconds.
Movies From The Garage

Movies From The Garage – Excalibur

Continuing from where we left off in this new series, “(Shit) Movies From The Garage,” we watched Excalibur.

I know for a fact that I have not seen this in its entirety since near to when it came out in 1981 when I was four years old. But rest assured, it’s movies like this that made me what I am today: a dork with a dragon figurine collection and a penchant for kilts and rough romantic sub-plots.

Visually balls-out intense, romantically bland and silly. Not like Flash Gordon silly, but I have never been dryer while watching two fantasy historical characters head to poundtown. The love story is so dry, only that threesome in the forest that could have been would have saved it, so in the negative was my interest.


This is weird. This is WEIRD.

Somehow this movie has a great cast, or at least one that, unbeknownst to us all, would be surprisingly good some day. Helen Freakin’ Mirren is in this, as is Captain Picard and Liam Neeson?!

So as far as I can tell or remember, because I did not watch this movie sober, why would you do that… we begin with the typical Arthur retelling. Uther Pendragon, played by the obviously kidnapped Gabriel Byrne, impersonates his dick neighbor with maaaagic and impregnates the wife promptly. Thus, is conceived Arthur, who, cut to years later, has been raised by Merlin and given THE WORST farmboy haircut in the entire village.


Sup?

Helen Mirren, who happens to be his sister, seduces him, again maaagic, and gives us Arthur’s high cheekboned brat, Mordred. This kid, ugh. The most punchable face on the island.



Somewhere in there Arthur’s wife Guinevere, who I’m to infer that he likes, takes up with his buddy Lancelot, begins his entrance into the movie by stating that he’s basically second husband now. Except then he DOES become second husband by lazily boning Guinevere on some cold looking grass.

Now look, I’m not going to turn down some weird strange with my husband in the out of doors, but getting freaky with the second in command out in the elements… girl, you the Queen. PROTECT YOUR POSITION. All you have to do for the rest of your life is be pretty, try to keep your children alive, cultivate hobbies, and flash the claws at the other women who are after your man. Someone make me Queen. I’m ready.

But no. She just had to with Lancelot. Bless.


WE HAVE DEFINITELY MESSED UP

Well I mean of course Arthur found out. Worst subterfuge ever. Then all hell breaks loose, duels are fought, that twink Mordred decides the Kingdom is his, and EVERYBODY (mostly) DIES. And GOOD.

So I wondered what reviews of Excalibur might say, in relation to my unserious commentary. Some guy said:

 ...by far the best movie adaptation of the Legend of King Arthur...

…Listen. I love the Arthur legend, but there is no good movie adaptation of the Legend of King Arthur*. Because chivalry is dumb. And I majored in medieval history. TWICE.

I can’t believe we paid for this movie.

THINGS OF NOTE:

  • EW THE EYEBALL.
  • Ygraine seems to like Uther. Why?
  • Doing it in full armor. Please.
  • Sponge bathing your grown-ass son.

RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

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* Counterpoint.

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