Movies From The Garage

Movies From The Garage – Reign Of Fire

Reign of Fire. Where to begin?! Is this the best post apocalyptic hellscape dragon vs man survival movie ever made? Short answer: yes.

I’m told that when I exited the theater after making my smokeshow of a boyfriend take me to this movie on opening day in 2002, I loudly told the entire parking lot, “That was fucking awesome!” Because of course I did. This is exactly how I handle everything if no one is fast enough to stop me.

We don’t waste any time getting to the action. Young Quinn (Christian Bale) is roaming around his mother’s construction site and runs headlong into a den of sleeping dragons, disturbing and releasing a bunch them of upon the planet. Note to any would-be parents out there, letting your child run around a construction site largely unattended is actually dangerous and possibly world ending, but it was a different time back then.

Look, I’m drunk again, go play in the tunnel.

Cut to years later, in the shit year of 2020 in any timeline. The world is in ruins. Quinn and a group of other survivors are holed up in a castle in the countryside, which is exactly what I would do. Not because stone doesn’t burn easily – also good – but because castles are rad.

Things seem dangerous but somewhat survivable until a bunch of roided out Americans led by Denton Van Zan (Matthew McConaughey) arrive on scene with a crazy plan that I guess has worked before, whereby they yeet themselves out of helicopters at dragons to, I guess, do a stabby flyby at them, but usually just end up getting skewered with something within 17 seconds because obviously this is kind of a stupid idea. And that’s not even how the big dragon male dies in the end. It dies on the ground with an explosive arrow to the mouth because that makes sense and is pretty much dragon killing canon in tone at this point.

Bamburgh Castle. Nice buttressing.

Yeah, yeah, but they killed the other dragon didn’t they? How many men are left in the world that we go about throwing them out of helicopters (and where the hell are we getting all of this equipment?!) to certainly die? Seems a little hasty.

Definitely send those other two.

But die it does, not before Matthew McConaughey in, no arguing here, the best scene of this entire movie, takes a flying shirtless leap from atop the castle swinging a battle axe, whereupon he is immediately swallowed whole by that dragon. It’s really peak McConaughey.

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*FACTS
This is technically a Wyvern not a dragon. Two legs not four. *hairflip*

Movies From The Garage

Movies From The Garage – Dragonslayer

Movies from the 1980s can be especially tough to revisit. You’re sitting there watching this flaming pile of cocaine induced fever dreams and thinking to yourself, “I remember thinking that this was the greatest movie ever made when I was 5 years old (back in the old days, parental guidance, attention, or concern was largely an accident). I was so wrong.” Which brings us to Dragonslayer!

Beginning with one of the most predictable themes in fantasy, the wizard Ulrich chooses to die by violence, and a little magic, because he has foreseen his own death, leaving Galen (Peter MacNichol) as the heir apparent to Ulrich’s powers. Galen is called to kill the dragon that has been killing all the available virgins (why?!) But never fear, Galen will save the virgins by partnering with the next most common theme in 80s movies, the girl disguised as a boy (to avoid the virgin lottery)(male virgins aren’t prized, I suppose.)

I want to hate on this movie, but… it’s just not that bad. The dragon Vermithrax Pejorative is a very ugly badass that Galen really could have killed at any time towards the end, then he gets the girl. And no shade to Peter MacNichol, but he’s not exactly swoon worthy. And fine! He’s a wizard! Not important! (really though it’s kind of important…)

So what’s the worst part of this movie? The acting is decent, the sets are good, the direction isn’t problematic, the dragon is perfect and scary. The answer is… it’s a little slow. That’s all I’ve got. This movie doesn’t suck.

Thoughts:

  • “This dragon kindof looks like it came from Reign of Fire… “Oh that’s because the model designers were the same guy.
  • Shoutout to Dolwyddelan Castle in Wales. I clocked you in about three seconds.

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