Ok but Volume 6?
Movies From the Garage – Major League
Oh how I love Major League and sports movies of the 80s variety. Summing up our plot, a rich widow inherits the shit Cleveland Indians but can’t sell the team and move it to Miami (because who wants to live in Cleveland…) unless game attendance is a record setting low.
Easy enough, just fire everyone and bring in a catcher, Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), who has blown knees, Third Base Roger Dorn, (Corbin Bernsen) who is too precious to get in front of the ball, and pitcher Ricky Vaughn, (Charlie Sheen), just paroled. Let’s not forget Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert), can’t hit a curve ball, and Willie Mays Hays (Wesley Snipes), can’t hit anything.
As these things always go, the team starts off the year in the toilet. But gradually the players overcome their individual shortcomings and become a team that can compete and win in the end. This is not why we are here. We are here for subplot Jake and Lynn.
I remember having the most inappropriate crush on the Jake character. And why? There’s certainly nothing to see here in an old, overweight, white guy with bad knees who wears readers. I would not be dissuaded. Preteen me thought that the romance with his ex-wife was just dreamy. In reality, what we have here is a way past his prime Jake stalking his seemingly happy ex wife until she, far to willingly in my opinion, sleeps with him. Now Lynn the accomplished and smoking hot librarian has to decide whether she wants to dump her fiance for Jake. Let me tell you, THIS PLOT DID NOT AGE WELL.
Like, girl. What are you doing? This banker (?) who obviously has a nice midtown apartment, a 401k, and can take you to brunch whenever you want is the way. Not the guy who will get with other women on a dare and is going to bounce out of the pros on a medical at the end of the season, and yes I’m calling stalker. STALKER. But yes even I was smitten before I easily learned to do better than that trash. Ew. Never would I ever. 🤣
Favorite Character: Pedro Cerrano, one hundred percent.
RATING: ⚾⚾⚾⚾⚾
04.29.2022
Half my pictures on a given day are the first thing I see when I walk in my office. Frogs doing hilarious ****
03.30.2022
Movies From The Garage – Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin
We aren’t actually reporting from the garage for the foreseeable future because it is mostly ice, rain, or cold outside. And we only have one slanket.
While my partner in crime was away for work I took the opportunity to watch Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin. There are some things that I don’t feel even he should have to endure for my company.
I don’t know what came over me because I never watch movies by myself, but I had decided that this was the way. I like found footage horror movies, he knows that they are trash.
Oddly, it was better than most other Paranormal Activity movies because it was more of a conventional horror movie, but like most horror movies, just filled with all the wrong decisions. And that brings the ✨magic✨.
Let’s just get to the part where we trash a few things about this dumpster fire.
The premise is that a young woman raised as an orphan, has found family through online testing and they happen to be Amish of a sort and live in a disappointingly gray world where they frown a lot and eat in silence. I get this. I am also convinced that my real family is out there somewhere, now that I have the adult benefit of seeing that I must surely be an alien foundling. She wants to make a documentary with some friends to capture this riveting story.
First and most obviously, real world me would have yeeted myself out the door at the first opportunity after meeting this house full of near certain cannibal Chainsaw Massacre cultists. After dinner, just nope the eff out with a stolen handmade quilt and the pretense of a walk. These people are going to lock you in a basement and make drums out of your skin. Just run.
Secondly, the haunted Church pit that they throw family into and contains obvious evil cave dwelling things (obviously no one had seen The Cave. They would have known..) is not given the gravitas that it deserves. And what it deserves is to not be stood over and pondered at. It is literally growling. Do they actually deserve to die? Let’s consider that.
There were so many opportunities to leave the farm, I didn’t feel sorry for anyone that had their body parts torn off. Even the mailman told them WHEN THEY COULD HAVE LEFT TOWN FOR THE THOUSANDTH TIME, that those people are just creepy cult weirdos, and definitely not Amish. You in danger, girl. By all means go back though, leading to the obvious result, which is that you are now a meal.
This all reminds me to watch Midsommar again.
RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ lol
03.11.2022
