Continuing from where we left off in this new series, “(Shit) Movies From The Garage,” we watched Excalibur.

I know for a fact that I have not seen this in its entirety since near to when it came out in 1981 when I was four years old. But rest assured, it’s movies like this that made me what I am today: a dork with a dragon figurine collection and a penchant for kilts and rough romantic sub-plots.

Visually balls-out intense, romantically bland and silly. Not like Flash Gordon silly, but I have never been dryer while watching two fantasy historical characters head to poundtown. The love story is so dry, only that threesome in the forest that could have been would have saved it, so in the negative was my interest.


This is weird. This is WEIRD.

Somehow this movie has a great cast, or at least one that, unbeknownst to us all, would be surprisingly good some day. Helen Freakin’ Mirren is in this, as is Captain Picard and Liam Neeson?!

So as far as I can tell or remember, because I did not watch this movie sober, why would you do that… we begin with the typical Arthur retelling. Uther Pendragon, played by the obviously kidnapped Gabriel Byrne, impersonates his dick neighbor with maaaagic and impregnates the wife promptly. Thus, is conceived Arthur, who, cut to years later, has been raised by Merlin and given THE WORST farmboy haircut in the entire village.


Sup?

Helen Mirren, who happens to be his sister, seduces him, again maaagic, and gives us Arthur’s high cheekboned brat, Mordred. This kid, ugh. The most punchable face on the island.



Somewhere in there Arthur’s wife Guinevere, who I’m to infer that he likes, takes up with his buddy Lancelot, begins his entrance into the movie by stating that he’s basically second husband now. Except then he DOES become second husband by lazily boning Guinevere on some cold looking grass.

Now look, I’m not going to turn down some weird strange with my husband in the out of doors, but getting freaky with the second in command out in the elements… girl, you the Queen. PROTECT YOUR POSITION. All you have to do for the rest of your life is be pretty, try to keep your children alive, cultivate hobbies, and flash the claws at the other women who are after your man. Someone make me Queen. I’m ready.

But no. She just had to with Lancelot. Bless.


WE HAVE DEFINITELY MESSED UP

Well I mean of course Arthur found out. Worst subterfuge ever. Then all hell breaks loose, duels are fought, that twink Mordred decides the Kingdom is his, and EVERYBODY (mostly) DIES. And GOOD.

So I wondered what reviews of Excalibur might say, in relation to my unserious commentary. Some guy said:

 ...by far the best movie adaptation of the Legend of King Arthur...

…Listen. I love the Arthur legend, but there is no good movie adaptation of the Legend of King Arthur*. Because chivalry is dumb. And I majored in medieval history. TWICE.

I can’t believe we paid for this movie.

THINGS OF NOTE:

• EW THE EYEBALL.
• Ygraine seems to like Uther. Why?
• Doing it in full armor. Please.
• Sponge bathing your grown-ass son.

RATING: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

—

* Counterpoint.